When a Heart Breaks

In this poem, explore the experience of heartbreak and the isolation that follows.

When my heart broke
my body bowed
under the weight
of the pieces
scratching down
my spine
tangling in my
ribcage.

Sleep
pressed down
on me
for months
if not years,
sapping my energy,
caressing me
into
not death
but checking out
of life.

Is there a difference
between death
and not living?

Racing thoughts
whirled me
into
sleepless nights,
days of zombified
delusions.

On edge
the verge of cracking
with no
safety net
to catch me.

Memories
blanket me.
Mannerisms
I adopted
in the relationship

repeat

repeat

repeat

It’s ingrained in
my vocabulary.

But I wish
I could stop
because it always
makes me think
of you.

What we had.

And what I lost.

I lost my
ability to trust
another human
with my
thinning heart.

It’s not what you did
but what I allowed.
And would I allow it again?

How do I stop myself?

How do I
love myself
in a relationship
with another?

Will I lose myself again?

Afraid,
I hide away
in the darkest
crevice
of my room.

Surrounded by
low light
screens.

Earbuds playing
a podcast.
Headphones blaring
dubstep.
Reading
science journals.

So much
stimulation
to block the feelings
welling up
in me.

But here
in isolation
I cannot
betray,
lose
myself.

And if you’ve ever felt this… tell me, what did you do when you started to disappear?